I am at the point of life
where I have graduated again, from my Library Technician diploma program.
Trends. I guess that’s what
this post will mainly be about. I’m afraid this post will have ideas jumping
all over the place because I have so many thoughts going through my head right
now.
I am stuck in the constant
loop of motivated and unmotivated because of the job hunting. Many applications
were sent out and many of them give no closure. It keeps me in the dark and
gives me feelings of being lost in the adult world again. So these feelings in
which only I understand for myself in combination with depression and anxiety.
It hurts inside, there is subtle pain; noticing it makes it hurt more. I think
too much and make everything complicated . . . But I can’t stop this; I can’t
stop the thinking and I can’t stop the pain. However, I’m sure I’ll survive
through it like I did, how I did after graduating high school. I’ll soon find a
path worth following in this forest that is my life.
A dangerous trend among
friends.
Friends are great, please don’t
misunderstand. I just started noticing a trend in my friendships that could be
dangerous for my well-being (not physically). I believe I do have friends, but it’s
the reason that I don’t talk to them very much or constantly which makes me
wonder if they are considered friends . . . to be more accurate, if THEY consider
ME their friend. I tend to like communication through an online/electronic
medium which could probably be one of the reasons why I don’t feel
like I have friends; I’m not there physically to socially interact with my ‘friends’.
There’s another problem. I will make friends and end up “spamming” them with unnecessary things. I will
then start to feel really bad for being as bothersome as I am. If I put myself
into their position, even I would get tired of myself. I’ll go right back to
keeping everything to myself, neglecting the trust they have put in me to tell
them about things I’m going through. And then . . . I’ll be right back here, on
this blog, writing about things like these. For the anonymous to read, but not
for those whom I really want to talk to. Of course, I can just tell them
directly, but I’ll begin to feel like I have dropped an emotional burden on my
friends because they care. I know some of them care a lot about me, and I’ll
find it hard to repay them because I don’t know how. Then? I’ll feel horrible
as a person who they call a friend. I know that caring for someone does not
mean that I have to return the favour, but even with the knowledge of this, I cannot
help feeling this way.
I feel like a flower, afraid
to bloom… I will reveal myself to the moonlight, where only Luna can see and
comfort me, and where nobody else will.
A moon flower.
