Lone Peeve, a Daily Occurence

The Feeling When someone belittles you in an indirect way to other people, when they can do it *directly* to you. But knowing that person, you know that he/she could and would and you won't know how to respond because in this *new* case you have to. I know that I can never win arguments; but it's not like I want to. Because I'm tired of your bull$#@%, enough to take it and ignore it; so that I can move on, and look forward to something else.

What a great way to start a weekend away from the studio.1

1 I am taking a Foundation Ceramics course. It is a lot time-consuming than one would think. I practically live at school, outside of work. This break was going to be nice.

Some Thoughts; Some Trends

I am at the point of life where I have graduated again, from my Library Technician diploma program.

Trends. I guess that’s what this post will mainly be about. I’m afraid this post will have ideas jumping all over the place because I have so many thoughts going through my head right now.

I am stuck in the constant loop of motivated and unmotivated because of the job hunting. Many applications were sent out and many of them give no closure. It keeps me in the dark and gives me feelings of being lost in the adult world again. So these feelings in which only I understand for myself in combination with depression and anxiety. It hurts inside, there is subtle pain; noticing it makes it hurt more. I think too much and make everything complicated . . . But I can’t stop this; I can’t stop the thinking and I can’t stop the pain. However, I’m sure I’ll survive through it like I did, how I did after graduating high school. I’ll soon find a path worth following in this forest that is my life.

A dangerous trend among friends.

Friends are great, please don’t misunderstand. I just started noticing a trend in my friendships that could be dangerous for my well-being (not physically). I believe I do have friends, but it’s the reason that I don’t talk to them very much or constantly which makes me wonder if they are considered friends . . . to be more accurate, if THEY consider ME their friend. I tend to like communication through an online/electronic medium which could probably be one of the reasons why I don’t feel like I have friends; I’m not there physically to socially interact with my ‘friends’.

There’s another problem. I will make friends and end up “spamming” them with unnecessary things. I will then start to feel really bad for being as bothersome as I am. If I put myself into their position, even I would get tired of myself. I’ll go right back to keeping everything to myself, neglecting the trust they have put in me to tell them about things I’m going through. And then . . . I’ll be right back here, on this blog, writing about things like these. For the anonymous to read, but not for those whom I really want to talk to. Of course, I can just tell them directly, but I’ll begin to feel like I have dropped an emotional burden on my friends because they care. I know some of them care a lot about me, and I’ll find it hard to repay them because I don’t know how. Then? I’ll feel horrible as a person who they call a friend. I know that caring for someone does not mean that I have to return the favour, but even with the knowledge of this, I cannot help feeling this way.

I feel like a flower, afraid to bloom… I will reveal myself to the moonlight, where only Luna can see and comfort me, and where nobody else will.

A moon flower.

Want and Need

There are times when wanting something will overpower the need for something. Many people say, when you don't need it, you probably don't. But take this into another context, you will realize that the want will sometimes overrule the need.

In love, sometimes it's all about the right timing. Missing one opportunity does not mean it's the end of the world, you'll probably get another chance. However, some people do think that missing one opportunity would mean that there are going to be no more. I don't believe it's the case.

You can't change the past, but rather, the near future. You are in charge of the actions that will influence future events. So, assess the current situation. You've just missed one opportunity, do you continue to wait?

Simply, there are two answers: Yes and No. But behind every yes, there's a reason why. The question, now more specifically, is asking, "Are you willing to wait?"

Take careful notice of my wording here. There is a difference between willing to wait and needing to wait for the next opportunity.

Willingness is the feeling which drives your patience. The need to wait can do the opposite. Need is a choice in which one forces himself to wait in order to complete a certain task (ie. confession of feelings). This will feel like a long, tiring and torturing task-- but only if you make it so.

You should be willing to wait if you really love and care for the person. It should not be a form of torture, but rather something to look forward to each and every day. In addition, you might have to change the way you try and find the opportunity. Because you missed it this time because of this reason, try to do something to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I wish you all, the adorable lovesick puppies, the best of luck. I am cheering for you with my words. 

You're all probably very sweet and caring people to find this post and take the time to read it. At least my words are going out to the appropriate people, right?

P.S. This opportunity situation only applies to most relationships as they are mostly general. Long distances will have to message me and I'll try to help through some limited experiences where I have gained knowledge about this subject.

... Also, I am not a love expert. I give comments based on my experiences...

About: Untitled

In regards to the previous post,

I do not attempt to rhyme; I never really want my writing to. But sometimes, it seems to contain a hidden rhythm; a rhythm of my mind, thought and heart; it is impulsive and concealed in meaning—that even I do not understand. I only attempt to put my thoughts into words as they come and go, like waves, as the words float towards me and give me the one and only opportunity to grasp it and use it. Nonetheless, this is prose. It is carefree prose; the only things it does contain are feelings and thoughts, bluntly put.

What was the piece about?

It was a transcription of my mind. The words that come are transcribed onto the page. Typed, written… words on paper. Sometimes even I have a hard time trying to understand how I feel and what my mind is thinking about. However, this one is quite clear to me. It’s about that very sliver of happiness or hope that can cut through a cloud of darkness and displeasure. It can be that one event, making a bad day seem good. It could be a friend, whom you treasure the time you spend together. And that very same friend who is there for you—most of the time— when you need him or her. It’s anything that gives happiness, hope, and energy within an exhausting, gloomy and uncomfortable type of … Weather.

Untitled

I need a title, but I don't have one. Broken train of thought, I wrote the draft of this first when the words first started flowing into my mind, in my school library.

---

In life, sunlight can be a blinding factor. 
For me, it’s usually a good thing. 
On the days where I am feeling in discontent, the sun is a friend. 
And the sunlight—is his smile. 

I take a walk through, in the very short interval of commute, 
And embrace nature as it stands tall around me. 
The water, dancing down the steps and singing its familiar song, 
And the plants, living and enjoying their days of the quiet life. 

And then, there’s the sun. 
He spreads happiness as it peeks, through the cloak of the skies, and plays hide-and-seek. 
It’s a hard game for him as he shines so brightly. 
So easy to find, but not so easy to treasure. 

Sunlight dances across the skin of bypassing members of society, 
Some too busy to notice. 
Some too busy to acknowledge existence. 
And then, there’s our friendship. 

Sunlight dances across my cheeks and guides me, 
As I walk through nature’s path: 
Embracing nature,
Embracing the sun.

And sometimes… 
A smile peeks through this cloak of mine 
That surrenders, to the sun and his light, its purpose: 
To separate me from the world and from happiness. 

 ~WingedAura

Undesirable Sleep

Sometimes sleep is undesirable. I feel like time flies when I am asleep. Sleep is like a fast forward button of life. It propels you into the next day. But sometimes, just sometimes, I want time to freeze. Not because I want a certain moment to last forever, but because I do not want to face the next day and the days that lead up to the deadlines.

You can say, "Well, you're just afraid. You're just a scaredy cat." And guess what, you're probably right.

I fear deadlines; I feel stress. I fear anything that puts me under pressure and anything that requires others' attention on me. I don't like attention. I am an introvert. To me, sleep is undesirable and I want time to freeze because I am exhausted and do not want this bubble of mine to pop.

Weather As Emotions

Sometimes, I feel rather close to the weather. When the sun is out, I feel rather calm and content. When it's gloomy, however, I feel down and depressed. Those feelings also show when it is rainy, and here in Vancouver, rain is what we get a lot.

Winter is a rather confusing season. When it snows, I might either be happy or sad. It can make me feel alone and empty. I like the snow, sometimes. The snowflakes look so free and beautiful as they float on their way down to earth.

And sometimes, I have no idea how I am feeling emotionally. I know I'm hungry right now, but have no money. Life is great...

Mindfulness -- Expectations and Perspectives

So here we have a friend of mine, 
He has strong opinions of his own, which I respect a lot. 

However...
Sometimes, he gets too overcritical over certain subjects. He absolutely despises feminists and Japan for reasons of which I understand. He judges nearly everything and feels he is right about everything he concludes with. 

We were on the subject of the dumb-ing down of early education. Students receive As for knowing concepts and putting little to no effort in the actual learning part of the education. Teachers are expected to give rather high grades (I like to call them charity letter grades). My friend? He simply says, "Why is it the teachers' fault?" I answered him as I thought it was a legitimate question for reason. Then, he goes on to conclude that some people, including me, simply do not understand "indirect meaning" and "cultural hints." 

He also states the following: 

• "Look, this [the question above] clearly says it is not the teacher's fault."

• "How do you and your friend not understand? [W]hen I point out obvious facts through a question?" 

• "Seriously, learn to read like a person not a computer ... perfect example why machines will never understand human language because they will never understand the cultural baggage associated with language and indirect suggestions."

I feel pretty offended; because I simply took his question and answered him (according to him, like a computer), I get criticized for simply answering a question that did not seem like a stated fact at the time I read the question. I responded to him explaining that there are many ways one can perceive something-- in this case, a question. Understand that different people have different perspectives. This situation is a good example of why English teachers or professors tell their students to refrain from using rhetorical questions in essays. The questions can be viewed differently and the answers one might receive can be different than the one he/she expected. 

Common knowledge is not always common or knowledgeable; likewise, common sense is not always common or sensible. 

Be careful of what you expect from other people, it may not always be what you want. The world doesn't revolve about you; in fact, the world you live on revolves around greater bodies and, together, we are just a microscopic portion of the universe. 

Here we go again, school again.

Hello all,

No, I am not dead. I have just been busy with my homework (this is the least of my worries), assignments (including essays) and presentations. Some professors give so many activities and assignments. They cause quite a bit of stress for me. Although I am ahead of my tasks-- for now-- I think I'm near the largest drop of a roller coaster ride, so very near.

What I expect for the next few weeks, more essays, assignments... I have a 1500 essay due on Dan Brown's The Da Vinvi Code. The essay is about the history of the book. I enjoy Dan Brown very much so; however, my professor seems to despise the author's writing very much. I'm afraid, but I'll go ahead and write about Dan Brown's book anyway. I'll take it as a challenge.

I also have a 1500 essay for my ENGL 1127 class. This essay is much more stressful. The proposal of 250 words took half a day and resulted in me sleeping at 3 AM. My brain was crying and I think white hairs were peeking out for their time in the limelight.

Midterms are also near, I must know my knowledge and concepts. I must know my "stuff". I am trying to maintain a CGPA that I will be satisfied with. It may be the only way I'll stay happy through all these assignments and work that I must do for this diploma (paper).

Not long after, I have an ASTR 3310 (Astronomy) presentation to give. I really hope my fear of public speaking has lessened after the job I took at PNE (Handstamper). I won't know unless I try, and it might be good... or it might be bad, very bad.

Have a good night everyone. Until next time...

Given Up

I withdrew from English. This professor...
"Giving out F's like it's Christmas, and
A mark above C is like every February 29th."

I received an F.

Hello readers,

Today, I have officially received my first F in my academic studies. Yes, the very first F I have received. It is from my professor of the ENGL 1127 course I am taking this summer semester. I wonder if anyone can help me pass this course because it seems quite impossible at the moment. So if you have any writing tips or reminders for essay writing to pass on, please let me know in the comments below. 

I cannot say whether it is my mistake or the professor. A couple classmates also received Fs. I have confidence that I tried very hard for this timed English essay, but maybe it wasn't enough? Or, due to the amounts of Fs given out, it might be the professor's rather difficult marking. 

I am pretty upset about receiving an F in a subject that I feel I am competent at. Especially after all my grade 12 English teacher has taught me, I felt happy to be taking English again. However, this is not the case anymore. I understand that staying upset does not help me in the long run, but it is a feeling I have right now. Sadness. I am disappointed at myself being unable to pass this essay; it was the very first essay in this course. 

Like all cheesy lines, clichés and overused comfort-statements, I understand that this F does not stop the world from spinning and life from continuing. I will only be sad momentarily. The remaining faith in myself is staying intact and I will return stronger than ever. Life goes on and I will continue trying. All to make a change in this world, this lifetime ... for the better. 

That Spark of Light II

It was that spark of light again today.
All it requires are craft materials, branches, sticks...
Some sticky substance,
Possibly a result of my abnormal connection to just about anything.
Then a SUNSET.

Remember each person is unique and can stand out,
If you would only try.

That Spark of Light

Sometimes in a world full of chaos, stress, and financial difficulties...
There is that spark of light that gives you hope and makes you happy. 
To find it isn't easy though,
So stay calm, stay innocent and pure--
Find it and be happy...
Even for just a second.

January Book Picks

I will just talk about books I recommend as January reads. Many of them have nothing to do with the season associated to January or the month itself, they are just novels I recommend. Some of which I have read, in the process of reading, and looking forward to read. Note: I am not being paid to advertise. This is only my honest opinion and my suggestions to fellow readers.

---

1. The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern

I absolutely adore this book, I think I read this at least 5 more times. It may get confusing for some readers, but my artistic mind did not allow it. It made it very enjoyable to read. One of my favourite authors. She has another book out, equally as intriguing (my opinion). 

2. The Tiger's Curse Saga - Colleen Houck

I have this sitting on top of my bookshelf, I really want to read it. I did a Google search about it and it has really nice trailers for each book. If only I could find the time... Is there going to be a 5th book? Hmm, I wonder. 

3. The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown

Dan Brown is, hands down, one of my most favourite authors of all time. I discovered his writing during high school when looking for a book for silent reading. I found Deception Point which I also recommend reading. Well heck, I recommend all his books. Go nuts! PSST, he has a book coming out on May 14, 2013 called, Inferno. As a Dan Brown fan, I must collect ALL his books.

4. The Fault in Our Stars - John Green

Recommended by a fan of John Green (kind of like me, collecting all the books) and other friends who also bought and read the book. I have yet to have the time and look up what it is about. Something to do with how people think... check it out. I look forward to reading this book once I get my hands on it.

5. Me, Who Dove into the Heart of the World: A Novel

Sabina Burman

There are moments when I judge books by the title and the cover. The title catches my attention already, yet the cover is so simple and just mesmerizes my mind. Forgive me if you do not like it for I have no read it. If you have given it a read, feel free to let me know what you think of it. No spoilers please!

---

I believe that is enough suggestions to keep readers busy. Especially my recommendation of all the Dan Brown books... oops. Let me know what you think. I'll respect your opinion, everyone has their own preferences and yours are neither wrong nor right. It's things like that which makes all of us unique.

January's First Snowfall

As flakes dance downwards
from the heaven I
do not think exists, 
They descend upon
Earth, like angels that
I long to be. And
bring along with them,
the peace that I long
in this void of stress
that I have been fall-
ing through. I am at
harmony, Thank you.

This is January's First Snowfall. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year:
Blog readers, 
Fellow bloggers;
May 2013 treat you well!

I'm currently playing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imVlSwcJ38s ; Warning: vulgar language? I don't really pay attention to the lyrics, but don't say I didn't warn you. 

During New Year's Eve, my city has the annual "free transit" ride on New Year's Eve after 5 P.M. I took advantage of this and went took some buses, skytrains, Canada Line (subway/skytrain?) and the seabus. It was alright, been messing with the camera... and I think I was a bit overjoyed? I could have been the Tim Horton's French Vanilla... haha. Today brought back many memories of prom, and there were still Christmas decorations. Maybe I'll post a single picture from my "adventure" today. 

And I sit here, typing this blog post... drinking an IKEA Pear and Apple sparkling juice. Yum! Now I crave meatballs from IKEA, if you know what I mean.

This year started out neutral, it was very foggy outside though. I hope everyone partying got or will get home safely. Don't j-walk when there's thick fog, for your safety and everyone else's! I'm serious. Be safe and live for another year, the time you have is precious. 

Good night (morning) all!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas ~ !

Happy Holidays ~ !

It's almost another year.

What have I accomplished? It feels so slow, yet fast. It seems like I have graduated for a long time now. What have I done that's worthy of something? Nothing. It's so depressing now that I think about it. Oh well, I'll just try my best to make people happy this year. Just like every other year, I mean it.

But...
Somethings just get really confusing. Love, please-- stop pressuring me. I don't like it. I need time. Why does it seem like value friendship more than a relationship? Don't I like to be cared for and loved by someone (finally)? Why do I feel like I have lost myself.

Anyhow, happy holidays and merry christmas! I'm sorry this has been so depressing. It has snowed here, twice. But it's gone now, good things never last. Snow, I love you so. Please come back to me! Then I'll be at peace and content again. It's all I wish for. Ice skating will do for now.

Post-Graduation

Hello Procrastination!

This post should have been typed up pretty long ago, but I guess I just never had the time to. *poke diary* Nor had I any time to write in my diary. So if this appears to be gibberish, then please forgive me. 

For this entry, I am just going to let my thoughts and feelings flow out- with the occasional typo and grammar fix. But other than that, I will type my mind's words in no order at all. Warning: This may result in a dull and boring entry. I think all my blog posts are.

~~~ Anyhow, starting...
Post-graduation has hit me big time. Think of high school as a bubble, a bubble that I have been protected and have felt safe in. And graduation just pops it, or it explodes, whichever sounds more drastic. So I am now all exposed and vulnerable to this horrifically new young adult's world. Thing is, I might like change in some situations... but this is one of the times when change is not appreciated (not by me, at least). Now, I just feel very lost in this new world; feeling very vulnerable and unsafe. I cannot think correctly and it is very hard making decisions. 

Also, I feel like nothing is going right. My love life (which plays a big big BIG part in my life) is not going very well. Many people say, one can focus on career if left without love (or something like that). As of now, my career is doing nothing. These problems I have, they do not let me enjoy life (if there is enjoyment in this life at all). 

I am working towards being the librarian I inspire to be, but everything is still so confusing... I ask a TONNE of questions, but I feel like a burden or I feel like I'm bothering the person I am requesting help from. I just feel really bad. And it is funny because other than feeling bad, depressed, angry at the weirdest times... if someone asks me how I feel exactly and WHY, I cannot answer it. Sometimes, I feel like I have lost all emotion- feeling blank for the day, week or weeks. I have not felt like I have been emotionless for a month yet... so let us just leave that out. This post is getting rather long...
But anyways, yeah. I sometimes feel like I have no emotion at all. The times when I should feel scared, cautious or even surprised, I do not feel it. Times where I should be feeling sad, angry or happy, I cannot feel anything. It is just like: *blink blink* "Okay."

That is all.

Art of Deception (i)

The Art of Deception

Winter Sunlight

The closer to afternoon,

The brighter the sunlight.

But the more luminous it becomes,

The more deceptive it will be.

So the warmer the thoughts,

The cooler the chill.

Just light.

~WingedAura     

What it is all about.

When Democracy is not democracy, 
but Capitalism with the ability to vote...
~ Me on Facebook